"It is literally impossible to be a woman"~ Gloria (America Ferrera - The Barbie movie)
Recently I was talking to my daughter and she asked me in all seriousness, "why do men have it so much easier than women?" In that moment as a millennial mom it was like a rush of my own life history about the subject filled my mind all at once. If I was in a movie, a foggy sepia-toned reel of my own storied past would appear, overlaid with the song "Wannabe" by Spice Girls. I didn't know how to respond to my daughter, all I knew is that I wanted to agree with her. Yet I questioned my own intentions with that agreement. There's no question that the road from girlhood to womanhood is bumpy. And it doesn't really get easier with time.
Which left me wondering, is it truly harder to be a woman?
As a female I feel the pangs of conflict that rage inside about my own gender in a world so confused about it's troubles. And although this summer has seemed to prove there is a surge of renewed girl-power with the wild success of the Barbie movie and the Billion dollar Taylor Swift and Beyonce concert tours, I still think most of us women aren't really thriving in our own bodies. And even worse, I don't think we're passing on a beautiful view of what it means to be a woman to the next generation of daughters.
How womanhood is viewed has changed over the last bunch of decades. And understandably so. Gone are the days of the 50's housewife in a dress and pearls, tending to all the home and children needs with a smile and no complaint. To some this is a shame, to others its good progress. Whatever your ideological proclivity, there has been complexity to this history. There was a time when women weren't deemed as very important unless they were a wife and a mother. Then the mark of a great woman became about her dedication to her career. Now it seems we must do it all in order to have any value and cache in society. If you're not a wife, what's wrong with you? If you're not a mother, you must not be fulfilled. If you're not a career woman, you're intelligence is in question. And judgements about our worth are shared freely all around us.
There has been much liberation over the years for women when it comes to these things. Which is progress that should be embraced by Christians, given the fact that our favourite lady in Proverbs 31 is the embodiment of a business woman, wife, mother and active member of society. It is also a work of the Spirit that more men are being held accountable for how they treat women both in the work place and at home. There are good conversations about mental load and work/life balance being had now more than ever. This is good progress. And more recently, women have been liberated to get brave and honest about abuse and mistreatment. And this should be encouraged.
But, I wonder if we've also become a little too comfortable sharing our small inconveniences and discomforts and conflating them with real issues. How often do we resort to complaining about every little thing for sympathy? And then how often is this observed by the girls around us?
Are we always the victim?
Sadly, young girls today receive the message from us, that to live as a woman in this world is to live a brow-beaten life forever. This aggressive narrative of female turmoil has truth to it of course, but what effect is it having on the young people being raised today? And is it the whole story? In recent years there have been studies showing a surge in young women desiring to change their gender. This is a trend particularly among girls wanting to become boys. What is happening? Of course there are many complex reasons for this, but one motivation is the growing dread they have of being an oppressed woman trapped in a body that gives them terrible pain forever. They believe it would just be easier to be a man. Where did they get this message from?
In the Barbie movie the character Gloria, played by America Ferrera, gives an impassioned monologue about the difficulty of being a woman. Here is an edited for size version of the speech.
You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can't ask for money because that's crass. You have to be a boss, but you can't be mean. You have to lead, but you can't squash other people's ideas. You're supposed to love being a mother, but don't talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman but also always be looking out for other people...You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It's too hard! It's too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.
It's a lot. And I found myself in the theatre with one of my closest friends, watching this and agreeing with most of it. As pandering and overly emotional as it was, it wasn't altogether false. And she didn't even mention periods and child birth and menopause. Or the abuse women experience verbally, physically and sexually everyday. There is a reason most girls are taught to put their keys in between their fingers for self-defence just to walk to their car at night. It can be a terrifying world out their for us. So let me be clear, I am not suggesting women don't speak up when very real abuse, aggression or unethical behaviour is happening to them. There is no doubt that to be a woman is to experience all this, plus more. And yes, it can be exhausting.
Although the movie sought to resolve this problem in the best way they knew how (which I won't spoil here), I'm not confident it was enough. And I walked away mainly thinking about this speech and the effect it will have on the younger generation hearing it. Will this reinforce all the fear and dread?
Please don't think I'm writing a hit-piece on the Barbie movie because I'm not. That would be about two months too late and also, it's been done. There is much to love and critique about the movie and you can find that somewhere else.
I just believe the subtle messages we get from all kinds of places in society have a stickiness that we often ignore. And I fear, we 21st century moms echo them without even knowing in our own homes. We have been liberated to speak freely, but for what? To complain about every minor thing? As someone who is currently living a pretty traditional marriage lifestyle, and enjoying it for the most part, I have assumed my kids are at least observing a healthy version of the male and female experience. Yet even so, I know I've gotten too used to complaining about all the ways its tough to be a woman. There's probably been much more jokes and sarcasm on the subject than there's been gospel-inspired girl-power to even it out.
And the Barbie movie helped me see that. One thing the culture often does well, is point out where the cracks are in society's foundations. They're just not very good at fixing the problem. So we must find our solutions somewhere firmer than the shifting sands of society. Which is where we'll go now.
The truth is that both men and women face challenges of all kinds through life. Genesis 3 details the very general cursed, thorn-in-flesh pains we experience on earth and none of it is easy or pretty. So we mustn't go down a battle of the sexes path when discussing this. If anything there should be mutual care and consideration for the uniquely male and uniquely female troubles we all face.
But how often do we, as women, focus on the beauty of our femaleness? How much time do we spend enjoying the way we were made? Because God has given true sustainable value to our female experience. In the good and the bad, He provides beauty.
He wasn't satisfied with only creating man, He saw the purpose of the woman and then made her (Gen 2:18-23). He cursed both man and woman in the garden for a sin some say was the fault of the woman alone. Yet He saw and knew the hearts of both and responded appropriately (Gen 3). When Jesus walked the earth He cared for the lowliest of women. His healing of the hemorraging lady was a mercy given for a uniquely female problem otherwise ignored by men (Luke 8:43-48). Jesus taught both sexes, He was friends with ladies (Luke 10:38-42) and He included women as main players in the story of His death, burial and resurrection (John 19:25, Matthew 27:61, Mark 16).
There should be no debate in seeing the value the Lord places on women throughout Scripture. We should also not ignore the many places women are mistreated and abused throughout history as described in Scripture. As one example, take a quick gander at the horrific story in Judges 19:1-30. When men lose sight of their God-given roles, women and children suffer. The Word of God is robust in its descriptions of both the terror and beauty of being a woman.
We should not live in blissful ignorance or decided defensiveness that the terror is real. It is. And our daughters need to know it, in order to protect themselves. Yet we also must not be persuaded to think its all terror and no beauty. Embedded in living as a female in this world is the complete understanding that the Lord is good and is with us. In how He has gifted us, in His grace and in His presence there is so much beauty to be experienced.
And perhaps, for the sake of our daughters, we need a healthy dose of the latter. Perhaps we need another impassioned speech to balance out the whole thing. I'm sure Greta Gerwig could write something better, but maybe it could go a little like this...
As women and image-bearers, we get to live the process of bearing children. As He created us, so we get to deliver children. We get to be hospitable to the broken and weary - nourishing babies and bringing neighbours into our living rooms. We turn barren places into beautiful spaces. We're able to run business's with grace and dignity - making compassionate directives for the good of others. We're able to wipe little noses and comfort tear-laden cheeks with cushioned embraces. We get to be the kind of friend that counsels and listens and shows up with coffee. We can be bosses and moms and coaches and wives. We can prepare hot meals for hungry tummies and heavy-laden souls. We get to serve our husbands and friends with strength and duty. And raise up respectable men and dignified women. We get to please our Father in Heaven by striving to be gentle and lowly as Jesus. Wise and Kind, Spirit-filled women.
Is it harder to be a woman? I don't know, but I no longer think that question serves us.
If we saw the joy in the female experience, how would we live differently in the eyes of our kids and neighbours? Sure, dealing with menstruation pain month in and month out is uniquely diabolical, but as Jen Wilkin said...
"Women's bodies every 28 days tell them a parable about the shedding of blood for the renewal of life. You don't think that changes the way that we encounter the Scriptures? Men only bleed when there is something wrong."
This is not to demean how men experience the Word. But it is to acknowledge the unique beauty of walking this earth as a woman. There is pain. And yet all that pain shouts of the redeeming work of the Cross. Where the son of man had His brow-beaten and blood shed so that all Genesis 3 curses of frustration could be made perfect again in the hereafter. To be a woman is to be created in the image of God. It is to be made as the Lord designed.
I think, we must find our full identity in that great and final hope. Not in our own victimhood but in His suffering and victory alone.
The great irony in that America Ferrera speech is how much men probably resonate with it too. There is so much in it that has to do with the human experience. Contradictory messages about who we're supposed to be and what we're supposed to do is a common battle across the board. Indeed it is hard to be human. Some might say it feels impossible at times. To be fallen. To go to war with our own sin daily is brutal business as weak and feeble humans.
Yet God made us male and female, co-heirs, in His Image - for His purposes. He did so with a wisdom we cannot fathom nor fully understand. So before we get caught up straining to find all our value in our Girl-power femaleness or chest-beating maleness - Or before we get discouraged with the unique plights of our gender - take a deep breath and remember who made you. In His goodness, by His hands - He formed us.
Yet You, LORD, are our Father. We are the clay, You are the potter; we are all the work of Your hand.
Isaiah 64:8
Take your challenges to the maker of yourself.
And pass on to the next generation that His work is good.
Jessica is married to, Central's Family Equipping Pastor, Chris Ross, and they have two children together. She loves writing about scripture and Christian culture and desires to teach others to live in the way of Christ.
You can find more of her writings on her website - HERE